Stigmata
This has the potential to sound pretentious so let me just start by saying this is an IDEA that has helped me cope and not any kind of claim of spiritual gianthood for myself. I am a pushover when it comes to temptation. I am knocked flat on my behind before I even know I was standing in the path of an oncoming train. It seems simple enough to just jump off the train tracks but darn it all there are days when I WANT to get hit by that train and I need help…
I have an ongoing sorrow in my life. The details aren’t necessary but it involves a deep and serious estrangement from people who are important to me. This last week I got some information that brought the sorrow from the back burner to the front burner (again) and I was an emotional mess (again). As I was in bed sobbing, the events surrounding this situation played themselves in my head…again….and in spite of the fact that I know I must forgive as I wish to be forgiven, I was looking for a loophole. Diligently looking. It occurred to me that for minor offenses I am not actually required to receive sacramental confession, but that for mortal sins I had better hoof it to a confessional and formally apologize. Therefore, I thought (whilst looking to embrace this temptation fully) aren’t they then required to come and apologize to ME!? Hmmm…I thought, maybe I can throw myself into this temptation to become angry at them to welcome that anger because it will probably be a cold day in the chthonic regions before I get an apology? (Can you tell I was REALLY liking this train of thought?) Then…the Lord reminded me that perhaps that didn’t look like forgiving as I wished to be forgiven.
“But Lord….may I just interject here that I have learned through long, regular, and painful experience that if you are starting a sentence with “But Lord…” you are about to get slapped upside the head….let’s look at that scripture about forgiving 70 billion times or whatever ridiculous number of times it is that You require. There’s an “IF” clause there…LOOK! ‘And if he wrongs you seven times in one day and returns to you seven times saying, ‘I am sorry,’ you should forgive him.’ (Luke 17:4) They haven’t said they were sorry so I get to be angry!!”
But that’s not the way I want to be forgiven. If I don’t understand how I have wronged someone enough to even be able to adequately apologize, do I want grace? For example, when I sin without even knowing it? Or when I have unintentionally injured someone or caused someone to sin or just caused offense without knowing it or the depth of those injuries I cause to others that I don’t even know about? Or how about when I have sinned against God or someone else, even seriously so, because I was in pain or sick or just having a bad day? Do I want grace? Yes. I not only want that kind of grace. I need that kind of grace because I walk around clueless as to the depth of my sin because if He showed it ALL to me at once I’d literally die of shame? And do I not have the strength given to me by the Sacraments so that He is justified in calling me to a higher standard?
“But Lord…”, I said (ducking at the same time) “I am bleeding out! I NEED these wounds cauterized! It’s killing me to have to remain open to the possibility of reconciliation. To pray for it. To beg for it. To humble myself for it.”
And He gave me a picture. I thought of Padre Pio who bled from his stigmata for over 50 years and Our Lord provided the strength he needed to withstand that. Very few of us are called to bear the wounds of Christ on our physical body. Most of us certainly don’t have the humility to withstand such a great gift….I know I certainly don’t. Nevertheless, we are all called to bear his wounds. To carry our cross with him. Perhaps at times when we are called to forgiveness and charity we’d rather not extend because it will leave us open to more wounds and more pain and more bleeding, we can think of it as receiving the gift of the stigmata in secret. Certainly, it was an idea that helped me jump off the train tracks and not surrender (that time anyway) to the temptation to embrace anger and unforgiveness.
